Leaving Marriage Because God Wants Me to Be Happy

“God wants me to be happy so I have a right to leave my spouse.”
“I can’t stay in this marriage, because I’m miserable and that’s not what God wants for me.”
“I’ve been unhappy for too many years. It’s time to leave my marriage and find happiness. God would never want me to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.”

Those are just a few of the statements we’ve heard from spouses, which causes them to feel it’s okay to leave their marriage to forge a new life. After all, “God wants me to be happy” …right? Well, yes and no. We have to look at the context of what their “happiness” costs on many different levels.

I agree with what Mrs Parunak says in her PursuingTitus2.com article, “Wouldn’t God Want Me to Be Happy?” When asked this question she wrote,

“I think the fact that you apply that question to a situation in which you are contemplating leaving your husband for another man demonstrates that you’ve been fed lies in two critical areas: what God wants, and what will make you happy.”
Now even if you don’t have someone else chosen to be the one you will eventually marry after you divorce your present spouse, the same principles apply.

Does God want you to be happy? Of course… It’s natural to assume that as a Father, He would want that for His children. But if your happiness steps on someone else’s happiness what’s the answer then? Is your happiness the only consideration here?

You might THINK that everyone else would eventually be happier if you left your marriage, but are you all-knowing? I’m not. And I have a feeling that you aren’t either.

Years ago, my dad left my mom and us four kids to pursue his “happiness” with another woman. He was sure that was what he should do and that this would make him happy. In doing so, he left my mom who was devastated, and us four kids whose lives have never been the same, as a result. This woman left her husband and her children who were also devastated. There were a lot of other grieving family members and friends that were hurt too by all of this. The questions arise: Didn’t God want US to be happy? If my Dad and this woman’s happiness was the most important thing to God, what about us?

Was it God’s will for us to grieve just so my dad and this woman would be happy? No. I can’t imagine that this is what God would approve of at all. When our happiness violates other principles that are important to God, then there is a problem.

I can tell you as a grandma that I want my granddaughter to be happy —no doubt! But in order for that to happen, if she had to elbow my grandson so she could grab the desire of her heart —a toy, some food or whatever, I wouldn’t be happy about that at all. And neither would her brother be, nor her parents. Happiness is not the end all of life. Sometimes we have to be left wanting or unhappy for the greater good to happen —especially the greater good of many.

Yes, God wants you to be happy, but not at the expense of the greater good that HE knows needs to happen. He is more interested in our character, than our comfort, our values —HIS values to be lived out, than our temporary satisfaction and happiness.

We’re told in God’s Word, “the eyes of man are never satisfied” (Proverbs 27:20). And it’s SO true.

Let me tell you the end of the story with my parents. The woman that my Dad loved so much to cause him to run away with? He eventually left her. Their happiness didn’t last, even though they were sure it would. He realized she wasn’t all he thought she was, and that they weren’t so great together after all. She eventually went back to her husband and family only to run off with another man she loved and wanted “happiness” with.

My Dad came back home and my parents worked on their marriage and it survived until my mom died several years ago. But my mom’s trust and the level of love she had for my Dad took a big hit while my Dad was pursuing his happiness. It was never the same. And that’s not all that that suffered. I eventually grew up, married and had marital problems for a long time because of my insecurity in trusting men. (Thankfully, God helped me to get to a better place in this and my marriage survived and is now thriving.)

I also have to tell you that when my Dad left, something snapped in my brother. He was never the same. He eventually self-medicated by turning to drugs and alcohol. He died a young death from complications of his alcohol abuse. He left behind a grieving widow and siblings who miss him terribly. My other brother and sister have lived with their own emotional scars (and their marriages and kids too, as the ripple-effect keeps moving on).

I tell you all this to say that just because we want to reach for “happiness” and just because it seems that it should be justifiable for various reasons, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for us to do. We don’t live as islands unto ourselves. Our actions can and do affect others for generations. We need to always consider that. God knows it. That’s probably a big reason why He hates divorce —all the damage it causes. He also hates it because it tears up the living picture He put forth of His love for the church (that is portrayed throughout the Bible). There’s something wrong with this picture, when we have to tear up God’s picture to accomplish what we want (our happiness).

I appreciate something that Erin Davis (of Liesyoungwomenbelieve.com) wrote on this issue in her blog, Does God Want You to Be Happy? The following is part of what she said that stood out to me (please go to the above link to read the rest, along with the comments). She was telling of a wife and mom of a toddler that was “unhappy” in her marriage. Erin tried to scripturally convince her NOT to divorce:

“Her response? ‘I believe that God wants me to be happy, and I am just not happy in my marriage.’
“Soon after that conversation she left her husband. She is no longer involved in the church where we used to minister to teenagers side-by-side. I can’t say if she is happier now or not, but I do know that her decision came at a tremendous cost.

“I’ve heard the argument ‘God wants me to be happy’ made often through the years. I’ve heard Christians defend all kinds of decisions based on the belief that God wants them to be happy. But the truth is I’m not sure that He does.

“Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think that God delights in our misery. But I’m not sure that there’s any biblical evidence to back up the claim that He wants us to be happy. In fact the Bible seems to teach that He is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness.”
Living a life of holiness and obeying God’s commands is much more important to God than that which we think will make us happy. Pastor Gary Kinnaman touched on this point when he wrote:

“I’d been counseling a couple for several months when a wife came to see me one day. Although she had been married for 25 years, she wanted out. Nothing I said could change her determination; she simply was no longer happy in her marriage. She and her husband divorced, and not long after that she turned up at church again —sitting in the pew with her husband’s brother. When she came to ask me to officiate at her second wedding, she wasn’t too pleased to hear my refusal. She said, ‘But it says in the Bible that God wants me to be happy!’

“Of course, she couldn’t point to a specific chapter and verse. The Bible talks about joy, about contentment, but the Bible doesn’t lift up happiness as an ultimate goal.

“It’s not that happiness is such a bad thing. Who doesn’t like to feel happy? …Happiness is what I’d call a ‘neutral’ value. It’s not good or evil, but it’s a cultural value that can assault Christianity. The woman who deserted her husband assigned such a high priority to personal happiness that it overwhelmed the Christian, biblical value of marital commitment. She valued her own happiness more than she desired to obey God’s commands.”