Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter’s Square How To Apply Condom

VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom. “It’s imperative that partners use a brand-new condom for each act of vag**al, an*l, or oral s*x and put it on as soon as erec**n occurs,” the supreme pontiff said to thousands of devout Catholics while gripping the base of an anatomical teaching model and gently rolling a LifeStyles-brand condom down the shaft of the silicon pe**s. “To reduce air pockets and minimize the risk of breakage, pinch the top of the sem*n reservoir with your thumb and forefinger, then withdraw the pe**s directly after ejacu***n. And remember, always use a new condom when alternating between different se**al acts; it’s more effective, more sanitary, and improves the se*ual experience for both partners.” Francis added that though he understood condom use was not ideal for maximizing se*ual pleasure and personally prefers not to wear them, they are the most effective way to prevent the spread of infectious diseases besides abstaining from s*x altogether.