On-going Affair
Identity of the Lover
Commitment to the Marriage
Length of the Marriage
Length of the Affair
Ages of the Spouse
Presence of Children
Attachment between the Straying Spouse and their Lover
Traits of Each Spouse
Strength of the Emotional Bond Between the Spouses
On-going Affair:
When a person continues an affair after their spouse finds out about it, that individual is forcing a divorce. This forcing may be unconscious, and calls to mind the adage, “actions speak louder than words.” Many times, during a mediation, a client will say, “I asked her to stop seeing him and work on our marriage, but she wouldn’t.” Divorce is the next step for this couple.
Identity of the Lover:
One of my clients slept with his wife’s best friend; another client with her husband’s co-worker. In professional articles on divorce the identity of the lover is a critical issue which rarely is given the importance in. This situation causes a bitter divorce when a married person has an affair with someone who is in the close world of their spouse, it causes intense humiliation.
I came across a research paper stating that when psychologists want to study anger, they humiliate their subject, a sure fire way to get someone angry. Psychologists view the humiliating choice of a lover as an expression of deep anger toward their spouse. So unfortunately, people have affairs with individuals who they come into contact with, so these situations are far from uncommon.
Commitment to the Marriage:
In the absence of an on-going affair the commitment of each person to the marital relationship with determine if divorce is the outcome. When both spouses believe that one stays married regardless of what happens – that marriage will continue. If one looks at the number of people who admit to having an affair (acknowledging that there are more people who don’t admit it), and compare that number with the divorce rate, it is clear that every affair does not lead to divorce.
Length of the Marriage:
The longer the marriage, the harder is the decision to divorce. The divorce rate is significantly higher among short term marriages.
Length of the Affair:
Time alone is not the determinate factor, but generally provides an indication of the degree of anger and hurt for the non-straying spouse. For example, a two month affair is less upsetting than a twelve year affair. The following time lengths are approximations.
1. One-night stand
A one-night stand affair is the least upsetting for the spouse—please don’t take the “one night” literally, it can be two days or two weeks.
2. Short-Term Affair
A short-term affair lasts less than three months. Though upsetting, it does not necessarily cause the marriage to end.
3. Medium Length Affair
The length of this affair ranges from three to eighteen months. It is far more damaging to the marital relationship than a short term affair.
4. Long-Term Affair
An affair which last over eighteen months can cause the non-straying spouse to believe that their marriage has been one big lie. This marriage will have a difficult time surviving.
Ages of the Spouse:
In years past, the age of the spouses provided a strong indication of whether an affair would lead to divorce, divorce was significantly more common among younger people than older ones. Though that is still true, today, it is less true. Couples in their fifties and sixties now have a higher divorce rate, and I thought it was intent that the AARP recently wrote an article about married couples over 55 who are divorcing.
Presence of Children:
When a parent considers divorce, they often give thought to how the divorce will affect their children. Parents still divorce. In fact, more than half of all children younger than 18 will spend some part of their childhood in the home of a single parent. Though parents are concerned about the effect of a divorce upon their children, the number of marriages that end in divorce show their children are not a definite antidote to divorce. I’ve met parents who wait until their children are out of high school before divorcing. Though these parents have the well-being of their children in mind, studies have shown that often these older children feel they were lied to – that their parents knew divorce was on the horizon and kept it a secret from them. Children have a hard time when parents are not honest with them.
Attachment Between the “Straying Spouse” and their Lover
The degree of the emotional attachment between the spouse having the affair and their lover is of paramount importance, though, it may not be the ultimate determinative of the end of the marriage. If the non-straying spouse believes the lovers are more intimate than the intimacy of the spouses within the marital relationship, they may feel that the emotional affair is a greater betrayal than an affair that doesn’t have that sexual aspect. A close emotional bond between the straying spouse and their lover is a sure sign that something is seriously remiss in the marital relationship. On the other hand, there are some marriages in which the affair helps to maintain the marital relationship, as one spouse has their attachment needs met by someone else.
Traits of Each Spouse:
A host of traits give rise to the ability or the desire of spouses to stay married. The foremost trait to continue the marital relationship is the non-straying spouse’s ability for forgiveness. Not everyone has the capacity to forgive the person who hurts them. . Notice that I did not use the term “forgive and forget”.
Strength of the Emotional Bond Between the Spouses:
The emotional bond within a marital relationship ranges from two people who c-exist to two people who have an intensely close relationship. One might assume that the strength of this bond clearly indicates whether a divorce will occur because of an affair, but this is not the case. One might also assume that if the marital relationship is simply one of co-existing - the couple’s relationship couldn’t withstand an affair, yet this is not always the case, as the expectations of the spouse are low. On the opposite end of the range, married people who consider themselves “best friends” may be the ones who divorce because their expectations of their spouse were high. If a person trusts their spouse as one would trust a best friend, the spouse feels betrayed – and may well seek divorce.
CONCLUSION
When a spouse has an affair, the marital relationship is affected, whether or not the spouse knows about it. The emotional cost of an affair ranges from disturbing to disaster.
Sometimes an affair leads to a divorce, while others do not, and I’ve noted several factors that point to whether an affair will lead to divorce.
As a divorce mediator, I have worked with well over a thousand couples when a spouse wanted an affect, and it is clear that the divorce negotiations for the couple will be far more difficult if either spouse is having an affair.
I hope that this article sheds light on a much needed issue.
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