1. EXCITEMENT
By definition, affairs are exciting; a new lover’s desires, intense eye contact and lorry kisses, the secret meetings colored by the danger of getting caught. There affair is driven by a desire to put excitement and adventure into a life that feeling boring.
The marital relationship may not be the only reason for the boredom, but it’s an easy target. Boredom is likely caused by a number of things; work is tedious, the daily routine tiresome, and the spouse and, well, life, itself is too predictable. Rather than work on improving these, the affair brings excitement.
2. ROMANTIC LOVE
A search for love is the stereotypical reason many people believe a married woman has an affair, that she wants flowers sent to her when it isn’t her birthday or anniversary that she yearns for dinners in hide-a-way restaurants, and seeks meaningful glances and soft kisses. As a society, we believe in the power of romantic love, and this is true of men as is of women. After years of watching Casablanca, men and women long for the romance they see on the screen. An affair can be the spark of romantic love with another person.
3. SEX
Your fantasies come to life. The stereotypical reason people believe a married man has an affair is for sex; that a man wants more sex than his wife does, or more variety, that, biologically that men are sexually promiscuous. These attitudes ignore the behavior of many women.
4. MID-LIFE CRISIS
Midlife is a time many seek “meaning” in their life. It’s not unheard of for that meaning to take the format of a lover. A married person experiencing a mid-life crisis wants change in their life, whether it’s a different life, a kind of life, or more out of their life. Some are simply unhappy with their life. You’ve heard the stories – middle aged man buys a little red sports car, a woman starting menopause dresses like her 15 year old daughter.
5. ANGER
There are many ways that clients express anger. One client got back at his wife by having a affair because his wife had one. He was shocked when she asked for a divorce when she found out. Anger is such a common reaction for so many things that happen in a relationship. Sometimes anger is justified.
6. ESCAPE
Married couples spend their free time together, which might be fine for one person, but the other spouse may feel suffocated. For that spouse, an affair provides an escape—gives someone an avenue to separateness.
Thelma and Louise may be dead, but in many hearts, they live on. For a married woman who feels trapped in her roles of wife and homemaker, the movie hit a nerve and, of course, there was an affair along the way. Years before and after Thelma and Louise, men escaped their married life by running into another woman’s arms.
7. LONELINESS
I think this reason speaks for itself. Last winter, a client told me, “when I sit on the couch with my husband, I feel lonely, and yet he’s with me. I’d rather be all by myself, then it would make sense that I’m lonely”. Many men and women hope their spouse will take away their loneliness, and when that doesn’t happen, some end their loneliness with a lover.
8. OBSESSION
Obsession is best described as an addiction to another person. For that man or woman, thoughts of their lover pervade virtually every hour of their life. They yearn to be with the object of their obsession though sometimes, the person isn’t their lover, and their unrequited love may create more of an obsession.
9. SOUL MATE
A soul mate is a person who so complements and shares your thoughts and worldview that you believe you were meant to be together. When someone finds a lover who understands them because they share so much and are so alike—it’s a powerful draw.
10. LESBIAN/GAY
There are gay men and lesbians in heterosexual marriages. There are many reasons lesbians and gay men stay married, and some mirror the reasons that heterosexuals stay together: they want to keep their family intact, or don’t want to hurt their spouse. They have an affair because they want a sexual relationship with someone of their own gender, and most end up coming out, and divorce their spouse.
THE EFFECT OF AN AFFAIR ON DIVORCE
Asking “does an affair affect the divorce process” is a pretty unsophisticated question. A better one is “how much does an affair affect the divorce process?” The two responses here, are “legal” and “emotional”. Legally, the short answer is “not much, really”. Emotionally, the short answer is “very, much – really”.
Some marriages survive the crisis – while others do not. I see the ones that do not survive. I see those who are getting divorced
Emotional Effect Upon Divorce:
An affair creates a crisis for the married couple. I want to add that an affair almost always affects the marital relationship whether or not the spouse knows about it, because of the mental preoccupation with his or her lover affects their ability to connect with their spouse. When a spouse discovers the existence of an affair, she or he is profoundly angry from being lied to and deceived. They are deeply hurt by their spouse choosing to sleep with another. The feelings of rejection are often left unexpressed, yet the rejection eats away at their self esteem. The betrayal of trust makes so much of the past years suspect;” Did she tell me the truth about loving me?” “Am I a fool to believe he thought I was special?” The anger, hurt and suspicion will create difficult negotiations of the divorce settlement, as one question moves to the forefront, “What else is my spouse lying about?”
The spouse having the affair often feels guilty for the hurt they have caused. On the other hand, some believe they are entitled to happiness, and if that involves being with another person, so be it. Still others blame the non-straying spouse for their part in an unhappy marriage, so that, surprisingly, the person having the affair is as angry as their spouse.
Legal Effect upon Divorce:
Adultery is the legal word for a married person having an affair. The definition is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married individual and a person other than the lawful spouse. That definition has certainly been challenged with the very public revelations of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, so that today, people consider adultery any kind of sexual activity.
Historically, adultery was the most common ground for divorce. In some states, it was the only ground, hence, in order to prove adultery in a court of law, you could hire a private detective to snap photographs of the errant spouse in bed with their lover –the photographs providing evidence of the breach of marital vows.
At common law, a husband had a marital duty to financially support his wife whereas a wife had no such duty of support. Adultery was a clear sign of fault, and the legal consequence was that the party at fault paid a financial price. When a husband was at fault because he committed adultery, his financial duty to his wife continued after the marriage ended, as the judge ordered him to pay alimony. When a wife was at fault because she committed adultery, her husband’s duty to support her ended. As most wives were financially dependent on their husband, if she didn’t remarry, her future financial situation would be precarious at best, with a good chance that she would end up destitute.
No-Fault Divorce:
With the introduction of no-fault divorce laws in the U.S., the issue of fault was mainly put to rest. The new laws were founded on the theory that fault should not be the basis for determining financial support and division of assets and liabilities. If support was needed and as long as one spouse had greater income the judge would order alimony. This no-fault attitude carried over to fault based divorce settlements awards, so that even if there was adultery, it wouldn’t excuse alimony payments.
Though many states continue to list adultery as a ground for divorce, the spouse at fault is not financially punished. By the way, gender differences have softened, so that today, higher income wives are required to pay alimony.
WHETHER AN AFFAIR LEADS TO DIVORCE
A high number of factors are involved in whether or not an affair will lead to divorce. The following factors point to whether a couple will divorce. The first reason – an on-going affair - almost inevitably leads to divorce. The second two factors; identity of the lover and the commitment to the marriage, are also very important. The remaining reasons depend on many factors, and rarely does one factor stand alone as the sole reason to divorce.
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